Lonely, I am so lonely..

Hey it's not what u think it is.. not lonely in that sense. I think I have learnt to put my trust in God. God made us for relationships yes.. but I think relationships are not exclusive to boy-girl relationships or marriages.. friendships, parent-child relationships and sibling-sibling relationships are all equally valuable. and of course, above all, my relationship with God.

but sometimes, I do feel lonely.. sometimes I feel that I am the only one holding on to the faith among the people around me. my parents, my family, my close friends.. sometimes, I doubt about the truth of what I believe and why I believe. sometimes, I feel it is easier to just follow the crowd and throw away all these beliefs.. maybe Christ didnt exist.. maybe, it is like what the Da Vinci's Code says.. that the bible is all made-up and fake.. if it is fake, then what use is my faith and my holding on to these beliefs? why am I going to church? why am I preparing bible studies? why am I reading the bible? why am I spreading the gospel on my blog? why am I praying for my friends and family members to be saved?

really, it is so much easier to just conform to the values of the world. work hard. make lots of money. marry a pretty wife. rear cute children. enjoy life.

sometimes I feel misunderstood. I can almost imagine the things people are saying behind my back. I can even hear them vividly sometimes. I can imagine what they are thinking when they read my blog. I can feel the awkwardness. I can sense the things going through their minds. " oh dear, one day he is going to ask me to go to church.." "he is going to ask me to go to the service again.." maybe I am just imagining things..

maybe this world is all that there is.. sometimes, I wish I had not heard the gospel at all. sometimes I wonder what I will be doing now if I had not gone to church 2 years ago.. probably reading my medical textbooks or something. going out with friends rather than spending 5 hours at church..

Yet, despite all these recurring thoughts these 2 years, I have not given up on the gospel.. somehow, something inside me tells me that this is true. Christ is real. despite all the doubts, I still held on to the beliefs. my doubts also spurred me to question and explore.. and I still arrived at the same answer. Christ is real. sin is real. salvation is real. God 's grace is real.

indeed, often I asked myself why I had converted.. is it because of that "frivolous reason"? is it because I was convicted of my sin? is it beacuse of the bible studies? is it because of peer pressure from the church people? or is it because of the love I had experienced in the Church? I don't know.. but looking back at how I came to the church, the circumstances in which I came to believe and how I grew in my knowledge of the gospel and how I grew in my Christian walk, it seems there can only be one person making sure all these happened.. it seems that He had purposefully made all those things happen so that I could believe and be saved. it seems that He had put certain people in these 2 years of my life to teach me, to encourage me and to guide me in my Christian walk.. it seems that He had painstakingly planned and choreographed each and every step that I took to reach where I am now. it is God.. it must be..

and what more can I ask for? really.. in Christ, I can no longer demand anything else.. and indeed, if something as difficult as saving a sinner like me has been done, what more the little things like studies, work, financial security and relationships..

and despite all the doubts and difficulites I had coming to terms with my faith, I find it difficult to believe that this world is all that there is.. I still find myself asking where did I come from? and for what purpose am I here for? and to where will I return or go when I die? it seems a futile existence if Christ and God were not real.. am I just here to work hard, earn lots of money, marry a good wife, have good kids and enjoy life? then what happens if I don't earn lots of money? if I can't find a wife? if I suffer from cancer and die a painful death? is there meaning in all these then? if not, do I go around looking for some other meaning or is there already a purpose that my maker had long established for me? and still, I find great comfort in knowing that God has made me for a purpose and that I am going to a specific destination when I die and that I will be saved from my sins.

in all these I have nothing to complain or whine about.. as I told someone, it is not: God is all I have, but rather it should be: I already have God, what more shall I need?

Psalm 23
The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.