Wake-Up Call

On another note, I was just thinking a lot about stuff these couple of days.. Yesterday I went to the Changi airport viewing gallery and spent some quiet time alone..
What led to this pensive mood was the quarrel with my mum two days ago.. It's a long story and it's not nice to wash dirty linen here.. But the thing is that I blew my top la.. I just lost it totally.. Yup good old soon wee can get angry.. I am not as nice as everyone thinks.. Ok I have to admit I think I have quite a good temper and I don't get angry easily.. Or at least I won't show my anger easily.. But I guess God is using this to show me that I am as sinful as anyone else, and not as good as I think I am.. I guess I was getting even proud of myself and judging others..
But through these 2 days of reflection, I think that I wasn't good at all.. God is showing me how sinful a person I am.. For one, on the outside, I look benign and holy-moly.. But on the inside, sinful thoughts run wild and there is a lot of buried anger and dissatisfaction.. I mean I find it easy to be a nice guy to outsiders, put on a smile, say nice things.. no vulgarities, no alcohol, no quarrels with anyone.. But at home, when there is no one to display my holiness to, at best I am indifferent to my family members or I spend a lot of time outside home and studying in school.. At worst, the anger and dissatisfaction will spill over like on Thursday..
I am also selfish, only thinking about myself and my own happiness..
I am judgmental, thinking I am a better person than so-and-so..
Petty..
Impatient..
But I think the biggest problem is still indifference.. I just don't care.. And I guess that gives people the wrong impression that I am nice.. Cos I am indifferent.. I will just try my best not to step on other people's toes.. I don't care whether they are stepping on each others' toes..
In summary, I am not a good person.. But I am glad God is showing me how rotten I am, and how in need I am of his grace and mercy.. In the past few months, I have become so complacent that I hardly pray, and when I pray, it is half-hearted.. It is as if I no longer need God's help.. that I am good enough..
I think this is the kind of discipline God is talking about in Hebrews.. I am going through all these turmoil because of God's discipline.. and because He loves me..
So I am really thankful.. And I am thankful for what happened 2 days ago.. Cos it brought me closer to God.. And a realignment of my life and my plans..
Attending today's wedding also served as an encouragement to me.. Especially when I saw Kevin's sincere words to his mum and dad.. That really touched me and reminded me of how unfilial I have been..
And it reminded me of what a Christian relationship should be like.. that it is not about 2 people madly in love with each other in oblivion to the people around them.. but a good godly Christian relationship is always outward looking and always involving the people around them..
So all in all, it was a good wake-up call, to submit to God and to ask God for forgiveness..
Anyway, after the wedding, I prayed with S and I got a box of chocolates for my mum.. Wanted to write a card.. But in the end, I think I felt too embarrassed to do so.. But the chocolates did the trick.. Or rather, I think 3 words did the trick la -- "Dui bu qi".
I thank God for giving me the courage to say "I am sorry".. And to mean it.. sometimes, it's easy to say sorry without actually meaning it.. But I think this time round, I meant it from my heart.. I truly thank God for humbling me..
I do pray that this change of heart and behaviour won't be a spur-of-the-moment knee jerk reaction.. But I will really change the way I am.. Fellow brothers and sisters, do keep me in check and keep me in prayer.. =)