Final Year

Yup this is day 3 of year 5 medicine.. Happy or sad? Well.. I am ambivalent.. I don't want to be too enthusiastic and set a list of goals and targets lest I fail to meet them and become depressed.. Neither do I want to feel sad and wallow in self pity and complain about how tough year 5 will be... One step at a time.. See how things go.. After all, God is good.. I need not worry too much.. =)

Doing geriatrics at TTSH (Tan Tock Seng) now.. Geriatrics = old people.. Guess what's after 2 weeks of geriatrics? Paediatrics.. Babies and young children.. Haha.. Doing both extremes of age groups within a month.. how interesting.. How's geriatrics? Well.. not too exciting I must admit.. Everyone is just so frail and wrinkly and sickly here.. And everyone's problem list is so super long, you dunno where to start with.. Then of course, there's the language barrier (somehow, the Cantonese patients decided to admit themselves into the ward I am attached to..) And the memory problem.. Yesterday when I talked to my patient, she asked me which year of medicine I was in at least 4 times, and congratulated me for going to become a doctor the same number of times.. Ha.. And she claimed she stayed with her eldest daughter when her children said she lived alone.. Hmm..

What kind of problems do geriatrics patients have? Falls.. Incontinence (wetting of pants).. Cognitive impairment (confusion, dementia).. Instability.. and everything else that a normal adult suffers from.. But interestingly, old people do not present with the normal symptoms.. ie. they might not have chest pain during a heart attack but might instead have confusion..

I don't think I dislike geriatrics.. I think every field of medicine is important though some might not be that glamarous or exciting.. I don't mind doing geriatrics in future, just like I don't mind internal medicine, paeds, family med, emergency med or psychiatry.. Hmm..

Just some thoughts about yesterday's lecture on end of life care and how to allow patients to die with dignity and comfort.. 3 things in life are certain.. Taxes.. something which I can't remember and death.. Death is certain.. Whether or not you are good or bad.. Muslim, Christian or free-thinker.. No matter how far science can progress, and how great Man can claim to be, the fact that death will come one day humbles us.. The thought of it used to sadden me and frighten me.. I mean it is scary right.. one day you are alive with thoughts and feelings and heart beating and all and the next moment you are gone.. But if we are really gone just like that, I think our existence is really futile.. I mean what really is the point of me coming into this planet, living for 80 years and dying.. It just seems.. I dunno.. weird.. And how does Man, who thinks he is so great, live with it? By attaching some significance to it.. Accumulating wealth.. Doing good deeds.. Setting up a family.. Climbing up the social strata.. But then it all comes to naught finally right? In fact some lives end earlier and more unexpectedly than others like the 17 year-old triathlete who died 2 days ago.. If you sit down and think about it, you still end up with the same question: What is the meaning of it all?

You know where this is leading to.. You guys know me.. For an atheist who used to believe that life has no meaning and I am just born into this world to live it out and disappear into nothingness, Christianity has given new meaning and purpose.. I mean it is really comforting to know that you are made by someone up there who knows all things and made you for some purpose.. and that someone up there wants everyone to know him and love him and live the life the way he wants it to be.. I think if he wishes, he could have made us robots and made everyone submit to him.. but he made us with our own minds and able to make choices and he wants us to love him and submit to him willingly.. he wants us to make that choice and decision to love him and believe in him..

So now I know I am not some random existence.. I am made for a reason.. And how I live my life matters to the one who made me.. And I know where I will be going after I die.. And I know this life is not all that there is.. And I guess if you were to ask me what's the best manner to die, I would say it's to die knowing God and knowing that this life is not a futile and random existence.. And in fact if you believe in Jesus, then you cross over from death to eternal life and an eternal relationship with your maker..